


best wishes, warmest regards (sent with confetti effect)

by reymanova



Category: Schitt's Creek
Genre: Aromantic Stevie Budd, Canon Compliant, Gen, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, M/M, Patrick Brewer is Gay, Patrick Brewer: little crab man / little snake husband / drunk octopus, Texting, found an excuse to use the phrase "dicking down" in this so i'm feelin GREAT, friends supporting friends but also trolling them, very peripherally implied/referenced past eating disorder issues, we don't use betas we die like men, y’all yodeled and i live to serve
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-03
Updated: 2020-09-19
Packaged: 2021-03-01 01:34:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 28
Words: 18,512
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23457115
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reymanova/pseuds/reymanova
Summary: David and Patrick's relationship, as told by texts between David and Stevie. And sometimes as told by texts between Stevie and Patrick, as a treat.
Relationships: Patrick Brewer/David Rose, Stevie Budd & David Rose, Stevie Budd & Patrick Brewer
Comments: 294
Kudos: 457





	1. happy birthday, you menace

**Author's Note:**

> The idea for this 100%, absolutely came from [thesummerstars](https://archiveofourown.org/users/thesummerstars/pseuds/thesummerstars), whose incredible texting fic [Patrick, it's David](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18994000/chapters/45103795#workskin) has brought me nothing but light and joy. The idea to tell the story of David and Patrick through texts is fully ripped off of them, I just switched Patrick out for Stevie, and I take exactly zero credit. So go read their fic, laugh, cry, leave kudos, leave comments, build an altar to it in your home, etc. etc.
> 
> Takes place immediately after 3x13 Grad Night.
> 
> David is **bold** , Stevie is _italics_

**hey  
so um  
thank you  
for that**

_what, for being the only one between the two of us who can READ A ROOM???_

**yeah yeah whatever**

_i take it it went well then  
please tell me you kissed that fool_

**I don’t kiss and tell**

_except you literally do, you have told me way too many details of like every person you have kissed_

**okay not *every* person, that would take too long  
you know about maybe like, 40% of them**

_so you kissed him then?  
don’t tell me you made him kiss you, after all the shit you put him through tonight_

**okay first of all, offensive  
second of all, he chickened out anyway so it’s not like that would’ve worked**

_so you DIDN’T KISS HIM?????_

**no I  
I did**

_thank fucking god  
i can’t believe it took me spelling out to you that i was crashing the DATIEST DATE TO EVER DATE for you to realize that he’s been aggressively flirting at you for weeks  
you have the brain power of a jellyfish_

**HE WEARS STRAIGHT LEG MID RANGE DENIM STEVIE HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW**

_dat butt in those straight leg mid range jeans doe_

**step on a rake!**

_honestly that’s a pretty weak insult for you  
i bet it’s the ~love~ making you all ~soft~_

**okay I am LEAVING now I don’t deserve this HARASSMENT on my BIRTHDAY of all days**

_ugh fine  
i’m glad you had a good birthday or whatever_

**who said it was good?**  
**maybe it was actually awful because my friend left me in the middle of my birthday dinner with some flimsy excuse  
and also didn't even get me a gift**

_david._

**yes?**

_you’re welcome._

**I already said th*nk y*u once I won’t say it again**

_happy birthday, you menace_

**best wishes, warmest regards**


	2. is that ass even better up close and personal?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Takes place after 4x02 Pregnancy Test.
> 
> David is **bold** , Stevie is _italics_

_wait did you guys actually wash my sheets??? i think this is the first time i've had clean sheets in like three years_

**WHAT ew  
you're telling me that last night I...  
nevermind, I don't wanna think about whatever fucking germs were crawling around your bed  
but also, Patrick insisted**

_ofc he did  
he's a button_

**don't you start on that too  
but also I'll have you know that I would've done it even if he hadn't insisted**

_you, david rose, were gonna personally wash my sheets for me? yeah right  
do you even know how to use a washing machine_

**okay fine I was gonna make Patrick do it  
but also it was kind of,,,,,,, necessary anyway**

_EW david what did you DO in my bed  
actually don't tell me  
actually do, the sheets are clean so it doesn't matter anymore_

**okay no I'm not doing that, you perv**

_i'm the perv?? you're the one who got so freaky on my sheets that washing them was, and i quote, NECESSARY_

**mmhmm and what did Jake and his little Pony get up to in the woods last night, then?**

_...  
point taken  
okay but like, since you brought him up  
was patrick a better fuck than jake or nah_

**STEVIE**

_i mean it's fine if he wasn't bc he's a little baby gay and jake is............. so good it's kind of upsetting  
but i get the vibe that like little straight laced patrick is somehow secretly a sex god or something, idk  
at the very least a quick study, the little brainiac business major that he is_

**STEVIE**

_is that ass even better up close and personal?_

**S T E V I E**

_on a scale from mormon prude to the time we fucked high out of our minds, how many hickies did you give him_

**I'm gonna murder you**

_oh so a lot then?  
i bet he made you put em in places that he could hide under a button up at work, what a nerd_

**why do I even talk to you**

_oh c'mon, at least tell me if it was good or not_

**no**

_no it wasn't good or no you won't tell me?_

**no I won't tell you**

_boooooooooo  
well I personally had a great time with jake  
do you want to admit to me that you had a good time with patrick or do you want me to start describing what we got up to in the woods?_

**ugh FINE it was great  
there, are you happy**

_oooooooh, GREAT  
and here i was, only asking if it was good_

**fuck off**

_did patrick think it was equally GREAT?_

**I don't know, ask him yourself!**

_oh i will_

**wait what  
no don't do that  
I was kidding**

_texting him as we speak_

**WHERE DID YOU GET HIS NUMBER FROM  
STEVIE NO STOP  
STEVIE**

_yes?_

**DO NOT ASK HIM IF IT WAS GOOD**

_oh don't worry i didn't  
i asked him if it was great_

**STEVIE  
PLEASE TELL ME YOU'RE NOT SERIOUS**

_guess you'll never know, will ya_

**STEVIE I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE**

_YEAH ya do  
you know it REAL well 🍆_

**EW STEVIE  
** **YOU ARE THE WORST  
I AM EXTRACTING MYSELF FROM THIS CONVERSATION EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY**

_best wishes, warmest regards_


	3. I’d trade you for a pack of gum if I could

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Takes place after 4x04 Girls' Night.
> 
> David is **bold** , Stevie is _italics_

_so he’s your boyfriend now, huh?_

**what are you, 12??**

_it seems like you now have several milestones in your relationship that only happened thanks to me_

**while I admit that you had a,,,, heavier hand in certain aspects of our relationship that I would like, this one was NOT you  
it was just me having zero brain to mouth filter**

_what else is new_

**oh fuck you**

_so when’s the wedding_

**okay let’s not do that right now**

_oh, but you do want to do it later?_

**Stevie.**

_david._

**I would really rather not jinx the only successful healthy relationship I’ve ever had**

_you’re not gonna jinx it david_

**wanna bet?**

_if we did, i’d fucking win  
but also no bc i’m not about to let you actively sabotage this for 20 bucks_

**I would never actually do that  
it’d take like, $500 at LEAST**

_so if patrick’s worth $500 to you, how much am i worth_

**I’d trade you for a pack of gum if I could**

_oh c’mon, i’m worth two packs of gum at least_

**one pack of gum and some tic tacs, final offer**

_that’s a fair trade  
i’d trade you for a single hit of a joint_

**better be a good fucking joint then**

_dude i actually have some pretty good weed, wanna smoke it tomorrow night_

**please  
wait lemme check with Patrick to make sure we don’t have anything planned, I can't remember**

_yeah go check with your BOYFRIEND_

**my boyfriend has informed me he has his sportsing practice tomorrow anyway, so we are good to go**

_should we show up high to your boyfriend’s sportsing and heckle him  
and his ass  
i bet his ass looks good in those baseball pants_

**stop making eyes at my boyfriend’s ass**

_oh don’t worry, he’s not my type  
i just appreciate a good ass  
and shawty got a donk_

**ew don’t ever say that again**

_not sure i can promise that, bc your newly minted ~boyfriend~ sure does have a donk_

**ugh  
** **that’s enough  
goodbye**

_best wishes!_


	4. GET A ROOM

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two chapters within like three hours of each other because I finished them so why the fuck not, amirite ladies?? ANYTHING FOR A DOPAMINE HIT THESE DAYS
> 
> Takes place after 4x06 Open Mic.
> 
> David is **bold** , Stevie is _italics_

_GET A ROOM_

**??????**

_someone REALLY liked that performance by patrick, huh? and to think of how much you’d been dreading it_

**you’re not even here??????**

_i have a reliable informant_

**and who the fuck would that be??**

_don’t worry abt it_

**I hate you.**

_but you looOOoooOoove patrick, dontcha_

**I’m not talking to you anymore**

_not even to give me updates on bob’s slam poetry? i hear it’s pretty bad_

**oh it is AWFUL  
and I thought Jared Leto’s slam poetry was rough  
luckily though I think it’s driving people to drink, which is helping our sales**

_huh, it’s almost as if your boyfriend was right about this open mic night thing being a good idea_

**stop taking his side!**

_never  
what fun would it be if we couldn’t gang up on you?  
……  
david?  
david come back  
twyla’s karaoke can’t be THAT captivating  
the motel is so dead and you’re my only entertainment rn_

**sorry  
got distracted  
Patrick needed me for something**

_mm, and was this a personal or professional endeavour that he needed you for?_

**oh my god Stevie get your head out of the gutter, I had to go to the cash to CHECK SOMEONE OUT**

_i BET you were checking someone out  
shawty do got a donk_

**oh my god  
** **I WAS RINGING SOMEONE UP  
THEY BOUGHT A CANDLE**

_sexy_

**I am literally never speaking to you again**

_will you serenade me with tina turner though?_

**fuck off**

_kindest regards, dearest david_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Canadians, that British spelling of "endeavor" was just for you.


	5. i don’t want to have to use my master key to get into your room but i will if i have to

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Takes place between 4x07 The Barbecue and 4x08 The Jazzaguy.
> 
> David is **bold** , Stevie is _italics_

_david  
david are you okay  
okay that was a dumb question  
david can you please let me in   
i don’t want to have to use my master key to get into your room but i will if i have to_

**no  
leave me alone**

_you can’t just wallow by yourself all night, it’s not gonna help anything_

**too bad, it’s what I’m doing**

______________________________________________________

_good morning  
if i bring you food will you let me in_

**…maybe  
what kind of food**

_i have an ungodly quantity of hashbrowns on my person atm_

**I’m interested  
although, and I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I think I might need a vegetable to go with it  
I ate,,,,,, a lot of cookie cake last night  
and I think at this point my body is physically rejecting it  
so I need to balance the junk food out**

_what do you mean, physically rejecting it  
did you make yourself puke??_

**no!  
I haven’t done that in like  
awhile  
a year at least**

_okay  
just checking  
i’ll make george make you an omelette with like 30 pounds of vegetables to balance out the hashbrowns  
that cool?_

**so long as I don’t have to leave my bed to eat it, yes**

_i thought that was incorrect  
that eating ON a bed is acceptable provided you’re careful, but eating IN a bed is incorrect_

**extenuating circumstances, Stevie**

_ugh  
be there in a soft 15, george’s speed on this griddle is not reliable_

**okay  
and Stevie?  
thank you**


	6. it was not a sex thing, thank you very much!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two chapters at once because fuck pain! In this house we follow up all pain with fluff! Thank you and goodnight!
> 
> Takes place during and after 4x09 The Olive Branch.
> 
> David is **bold** , Stevie is _italics_

**Stevie  
Stevie  
Stevie  
SOS**

_hi what  
did you do it???_

**uh  
well  
I was gonna**

_david rose i swear to god_

**no um  
he kind of made it seem like he didn’t want to get back together?????**

_what the hell is that supposed to mean_

**he said he wants to “focus on the business” and “not try to push anything”**

_that is a big pile of steaming shit  
i can tell u right now that dude wants to be back in your pants IMMEDIATELY  
and like your heart or whatever  
i’m not particularly well acquainted with how feelings work  
but you need to do something about this_

**but like,,,,,,, it seems like that’s what he wants? I’m not here to make relationship decisions for him  
that’s a dick move  
I've been on the receiving end of it and it fucking sucks**

_david. he does not want to be broken up with you._

**THEN WHY DID HE TELL ME DID**

_i don’t know_

**everything is awkward now  
fuckfuckfuck I fucked it all up again didn’t I  
fuck**

_david  
you didn’t fuck it up  
just talk to him_

**we both know that that “open communication” is not in my skill set  
and apparently nor is it in his**

_so take this time to PRACTICE, you dumb fuck_

**ugh I gtg  
Roland is asking about scarves again and I need to make sure his greasy hands stay off of them**

_okay, so go do that, and then talk to patrick like a real adult_

**I’ll consider it**

_see this is why i don’t often give you actual sincere advice  
because you just IGNORE IT_

🖕🏼

______________________________________________________

**okay update  
I think we’re good now?**

_elaborate_

**I might’ve cracked and said something  
and I might’ve accidentally let it slip that I was actually ready to get back together several days ago  
but that I was holding off for,,,,, reasons that may or may not have included the olive branches he was extending  
and he is now requesting that I extend an olive branch or two in return  
but  
we are back together. officially  
or at least we will be  
once I olive branch**

_what are you gonna do for this olive branch??_

**TBD**

_you’re such a dumbass_

**I’m well aware, no need to remind me**

______________________________________________________

_so what’s the status on this olive branch thing_

**it has been taken care of  
we’re good**

_okay but what did you do_

**none of your concern**

_ew was it a sex thing_

**it was not a sex thing, thank you very much!**

_well that just makes me want to know even more_

**too bad you’ll never find out**

_i have my ways_

**if “your ways” are just asking Patrick, he has been sworn to secrecy, so nice try**

_omg what did you do that isn’t sex that needs to stay *that* secret_  
must be embarrassing  
i will double down on my investigation 

**bathe in bleach!**

_warmest regards to you too, david_


	7. I regret texting you. (Stevie and Patrick)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Takes place during and after 4x12 Singles Week.
> 
> Stevie is _italics_ , Patrick is underlined

So…… I just told David I love him.

_oh shit  
and how did that go_

I have no idea. He was telling me about how Alexis told Ted she loves him, and it sort of just came out of my mouth before I realized it was happening? And I might’ve told him that he was my Mariah Carey?

_omg  
did he swoon_

He was either swooning or panicking, can’t really tell which. But then I made him go drop off some dog sweaters at Ted’s, so he’s doing that now and I’m just left alone pacing the store.

_absolutely savage patrick  
incredible  
dropped the bomb and then kicked him out_

My goal was not to make the first time I told him I love him “absolutely savage”!!

_and yet you succeeded in doing so anyway_

I regret texting you.

😘  
_from context clues i am gathering he didn’t say it back yet_

No. I don’t really expect him to do it anytime soon, to be honest.

_i wouldn’t be so sure_

What’s that supposed to mean?

_it means, i wouldn’t be so sure_

Cryptic and suspicious.

______________________________________________________

You were right.

_of course i was  
what was i right about again?_

He said it back.

_HAH_

Did you have something to do with this?

_no, actually  
i haven’t talked to him since last night_

Then how did you know??

_that man looks at you like the sun shines out of your ass and all other orifices_  


Orifices????

_orifices  
and he may not be good at verbalizing his feelings, but once you opened the floodgates and gave him the roadmap, there was no way he was gonna be able to hold that in much longer  
especially given that he has no brain to mouth filter_

Hm. You’re pretty smart, Stevie, anybody ever tell you that?

_i say it in the mirror every morning  
but also, now that we’ve got david admitting he loves you, do you think you could get him to admit that i’m smarter than him? i think it’d be good for my ego_

Oh, I am absolutely not getting in the middle of a feud like that. I value my life too much.

_damn you, brewer_

😊


	8. don’t sexualize seahorses just to get out of this conversation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Takes place after 5x05 Housewarming and during/after 5x06 Rock On. This also assumes that Rock On takes place the day after Housewarming, which probably isn't canon, but if Daniel doesn't care about the limits of space and time, neither do I.
> 
> Combining two episodes got kinda out of hand, so buckle in, kids.
> 
> David is **bold** , Stevie is _italics_

_important question: do you think patrick would have been jealous if WE had kissed during spin the bottle last night?_

**lmao no. he knows you’re not a threat**

_and he thinks ted is?????_

**I mean, no  
it’s just possible that he was jealous of both me and Ted in that situation and it might’ve gotten the better of him**

_is that an educated guess or did he actually tell you that??_

**he actually said that  
but you didn’t hear it from me**

_david who else would i have heard it from??????  
unless he sleeptalks  
in which case i would have needed to have been somewhere where he was sleeping?_

**he does not sleeptalk  
thank god  
that might be a deal-breaker**

_as if_

**fuck you**

_no, that’s what i have emir for_

**gross**

_circling back to the being-jealous-of-you-because-you-got-to-kiss-ted thing, you seem to be taking this fairly well? in a semi-healthy way? what are you hiding_

**nothing???  
I am a grown-ass man who can recognize that Ted is a hot piece of ass and not fault my boyfriend for agreeing with that sentiment**

_yeah i don’t buy this, there’s something else going on here_

**there is not!!!**

_three exclamation points?? oh there is totally something going on here_

**fuck you**

_we’re already established that that is what emir is for  
does this have something to do with the fact that you’re the only man patrick has ever been with?_

**how the fuck do you do that  
it’s rude**

_what, figure out what’s bothering you in 0.01 seconds? it’s a skill acquired from several years’ worth of watching you mope and refuse to use your words because you have the emotional range of a seahorse  
this misdirect doesn’t get you out of answering the question btw_

**seahorses are kinda hot though**

_don’t sexualize seahorses just to get out of this conversation  
go fish_

**for a seahorse? are seahorses technically fish?**

_DAVID  
YOU’RE MAKING THIS EVEN HARDER THAN USUAL_

**it’s morning, emotions aren’t allowed in the morning**

_if i had it my way, emotions wouldn’t be allowed at any time of day, and yet here we are  
answer the damn question_

**I forgot the question**

_no you didn’t_

**yes.**

_was that your answer to the question?_

**I will not elaborate**

_you are the worst person i have ever met  
fine, figure this out by yourself  
best wishes, you punk  
(seahorses get a 6.5/10 on the animal hotness scale, i will be taking no further questions)_

**7/10 at least**

_i said NO FURTHER QUESTIONS_

______________________________________________________

_so i just got a peculiar text from patrick  
something about a guy named ken  
did you seriously set patrick up with someone bc you’re so worried about the fact that he’s never been with another guy?????????_

**what did Patrick say  
did he sound excited  
is he there already  
is it going well  
he deserves someone taller than Ken  
what’s the point in him being gay if he doesn’t exclusively date people who are taller than him?  
and he’s not even very tall, dating exclusively taller men is not that hard for him to achieve**

_wow there’s a lot to take in there  
i see you’re already in panic mode  
i take it i don’t have to tell you why this was a dumbass idea, then?_

**no Alexis already did that  
why did I not think to set ground rules????**

_okay that was not what i was talking about  
i was talking about the fact that patrick loves you and you need to stop waiting for the other shoe to drop_

**there is always another shoe to drop  
what is Patrick saying to you**

_it’s not my place to say_

**ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh**

_okay but seriously, why are you so worried about shoes dropping  
patrick doesn’t even own that many shoes  
……  
i recognize that that joke was stilted and i humbly accept your lack of response as the rightful rejoinder to that subpar material  
……  
david?  
where did you go  
did you die  
did your mom kidnap you again to make you babysit her premiere dress while she goes to the store  
because i promise literally no one in town is going to steal that dress  
no one else could pull it off  
except maybe gwen  
and she’s off dogsitting for her second cousin’s neighbor right now  
i bet alexis murdered you for a reason you probably deserved. i can start planning the funeral but i doubt i’ll get the aesthetic right so you’ll have to come back as a ghost and haunt me to get the right color palette. i can’t tell the difference between onyx and ebony  
i feel like those are the names of the twins in the shining?  
a precursory google search has informed me that the twins in the shining are, in fact, named alexie and alexa  
i imagine that’s wildly confusing for a parent, no wonder he wanted to murder his wife  
anyway i’m going to assume you’re dead, goodbye_

**hi sorry  
Patrick came back**

_and????_

**we’re good  
he didn’t actually go on the date after all**

_i told you! no shoes to drop!  
now is when you say “thank you stevie, you were right and i should’ve listened to you in the first place”_

**I’d really rather not, but thanks so much for the offer!**

_wait if patrick is there rn why are you talking to me and not fucking his brains out_

**he’s in the shower**

_and you’re NOT taking this opportunity to join him? what is wrong with you_

**stop being so horny, isn’t that what your cell phone boyfriend is for?**

_well you see david, because he’s in my cell phone, i can’t exact be horny with him in person, in a physical place such as a shower_

**you of all people should be well aware that the motel showers are not nearly spacious enough for that kind of shared-shower activity**

_you’re aware that he has his own apartment now, right  
you having kissed ted there was the source of all these problems, remember_

**okay Ted kissed ME, and also it was a GAME, and maybe the reminder that other men exist made me spiral a little and push Patrick into doing this and I probably shouldn’t have let it get that far but also given my dating history was it really a surprising move on my part to get wildly insecure and also I strongly believe that this was only 50% insecurity and that the other 50% was me caring about Patrick and wanting him to have good life experiences and not feel like he’s missed out on anything by coming out so late in life which really was a quite selfless move!**

_woah there pony_

**you’re Pony, I’m David**

_hi david, i’m dad_

**that is not how that joke even works??  
if one would even venture so far as to call it a joke?**

_all sophisticated people do_

**you and I have very different ideas of what “sophisticated” means**

_that we do  
but it’s not my fault you define sophisticated as “being able to tell gucci apart from alexander mcqueen” and “being able to show up at your corporate job tripping balls on e and having no one notice”_

**okay Gucci and Alexander McQueen are literally so easy to tell apart**

_mhmm sure david  
now that we’re past you doing a surprisingly good job of processing your feelings of insecurity, what’s this thing about patrick needing to date people taller than him??_

**ugh  
he’s spent his whole life exclusively dating women shorter than him  
but dating men is Different, and dating taller men is an important experience  
tall men are hot**

_are you saying patrick isn’t hot? bc idk if you've noticed, but he's not that tall_

**of course not  
this is a both/and situation, Stevie  
but Patrick can't date himself, so the next best option is someone taller than him**

_yeah so none of this is making any sense to me_

**it made a lot more sense in my panic-addled brain**

_i figured  
do you have a secret thing for guys that are taller than you?? is this some type i don't know about?_

**I don’t have a type Stevie, in case that was unclear from how wildly different you and Patrick are in literally every way**

_eh, i don’t know how different we are  
for one, we both love to make fun of you, and you find that sexy for some reason_

**my finding you sexy was 1) a judgement of convenience, 2) fleeting, and 3) regrettable**

_oh fuck you_

**I thought that was what Emir was for?**

_wow i walked right into that huh_

**you sure did. now stop being horny on main and walk on into Emir’s DMs**

_oh i will  
best wishes_

**kindest, unsexiest regards!**


	9. if i end up third wheeling i will stab you in your sleep

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anyone alive after that finale? No? Me neither. Glad we’re all on the same page. 
> 
> Takes place after 5x08 The Hospies.
> 
> David is **bold** , Stevie is _italics_

_hey  
are you with patrick rn_

**yeah  
why?**

_fuck_

**what’s wrong?**

_nothing_

**nope you’re not doing that**

_ugh_

**if you won’t let me do it, I won’t let you do it, you punk**

_fine  
yknow how i had that proposition  
for emir  
he was… not interested  
so i’m coming home with your dad_

**oooooooof Stevie**

_okay that kind of response is why i was reticent to come to you with this_

**okay okay I can do better than that  
that sucks  
I’m sorry  
he doesn’t deserve you?**

_was that last bit a question? orrrrrr_

**uh no it was a statement?**

_you really don’t seem sure_

**no I’m sure  
I’m gonna be honest with you Stevie I think you can do better than a traveling motel reviewer  
I mean a pretty hot one, but still**

_wow this is so helpful david, thanks  
guess i’ll just go back to having your dad throw unending cliches at me_

**ew  
he really knows a lot of bad cliches  
don’t abandon me for that  
how are you feeling?**

_not great!  
that was a surprisingly thoughtful and well-adjusted question though, good job_

**thank you, Patrick helped me**

_hi patrick_

**he says hi and also he’s sorry  
he said he’ll turn a blind eye next time you fully STEAL a bottle of our most expensive red like the little thief you are**

_doesn’t really sound like patrick’s tone, so i’m going to assume you paraphrased_

**a fair assumption  
how far out are you?**

_about an hour_

**have my dad drop you off at Patrick’s and we will feed you cheese  
I also have a chocolate stash here that Patrick doesn’t know about**

_i’ll consider it  
but if i end up third wheeling i will stab you in your sleep_

**I’d rather not get stabbed, thank you  
I will pretend not to know Patrick if that’s what it takes**

_weird that you keep a secret stash of chocolate in the apartment of someone you don’t know_

**I know, right  
but it’s a really good hiding spot**

_where is it tho_

**I’ll show you if you come eat cheese with us  
as long as you help me distract Patrick so he doesn’t find out about it**

_alright fine, I’m in  
better be a good damn hiding spot_

**oh it is  
if it makes you feel any better, I have an exciting new piece of news from today  
Patrick managed to make Ronnie HATE him**

_oh my god what_

**it’s hilarious  
Patrick has apparently never had anyone so openly dislike him before so he is not taking it well**

_hah IMAGINE never having had someone openly dislike you_

**I know right  
so cute and innocent**

_omg your dad got so panicked about not knowing what to do with me that he’s letting me control the radio  
should i put on screamo just to fuck with him?_

**yes  
absolutely  
or bluegrass  
actually he might not mind bluegrass, give him screamo**

_there’s probably a bluegrass station around here but i’m not sure what channel it is_

**and you know what channel screamo is????**

_gwen does part-time deejaying for the screamo station and once gave me a business card for it  
and i kept it, because obviously_

**obviously**

_okay my phone is dying  
but i’ll be at patrick’s soon  
thank you_

**always  
** **best wishes on the rest of that drive, DJ Stevie  
can't wait til MTV is knocking down your door begging for your quality screamo curation skills**


	10. sweated? swat? what the fuck is the past tense of sweat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Takes place during/after Meet the Parents 5x11.
> 
> David is **bold** , Stevie is _italics_

**so I talked to Patrick**

_and?????_

**he is  
very much not out to his parents**

_fuck  
what are you gonna do?_

**I told him about the party and inviting his parents, he said he’s gonna do it when he sees them today  
I did not tell him about the run in with my dad  
FUCK  
fuckfuckfuck**

_david  
it’s okay_

**it’s really not though  
it’s my fault he was just outed!  
and like yes I’m not feeling super great about the fact that he made it seem like his parents knew when they didn’t which is,,,,, a whole other can of worms  
but you can’t just out someone like that!!  
fuck**

_you didn’t do it on purpose  
neither did your dad  
it’s no one’s fault_

**ugh what says sucking up to your boyfriends parents more, lip balm or dry shampoo  
we’re fucking out of body milk**

_definitely lip balm, dry shampoo feels judgey  
are you going to see them??_

**I have to  
I mean, what the fuck else am I gonna do, let them spend the afternoon not knowing what’s going on and then show up at their son’s surprise party like “hey son, your boyfriend’s dad outed you this morning, why the fuck didn’t you tell us”???**

_fair point  
do you need me to watch the store while you go? _

**please?  
I would just close for a little but I have,,,,, no idea how this is gonna go or how long it’s gonna take, and Patrick will flay me if I keep it closed too long on a Saturday**

_i doubt he is capable of flaying you  
but ofc  
be there in 5_

**thank you**

______________________________________________________

**I need to change clothes  
I just nervous sweat so much  
sweated? swat? what the fuck is the past tense of sweat**

_not what i expected you to spiral about following that encounter, but we all cope in our own ways i guess_

**I… it’s okay. everything’s okay  
I mean, not OKAY  
but his parents aren’t raging homophobes, which is good  
they were mostly just concerned that they felt Patrick couldn’t come to them about this**

_how the fuck did you end up with someone with such normal, well-adjusted parents_

**I have no idea  
but they’re coming tonight  
and they know Patrick is gonna come out  
and my dad came in and only made the conversation about 30% more awkward, which for him is pretty good  
so we can dial my anxiety back from a 15/10 to an 11/10 in the meantime**

_11 is basically your baseline anxiety level, so that’s a win in my book  
when are you gonna be back at the store?_

**I was gonna shower  
so that I’m less sweaty when I see the Brewers tonight**

_you already MET them, david  
come back to your damn store so i can go home  
i need to do laundry  
unless you want me showing up to Patrick’s party wearing my pulling dress, because that’s the only thing i have clean rn_

**given that it’s NOT appropriate to try to pick up a date at this gathering, I’m gonna go with no**

_damn, i really wanted to hook up with patrick’s dad :/_

**ew**

_your other option is i wear the flannel i’m wearing right now, which i’ve worn three days in a row_

**ew FINE  
I’ll come back to the store  
gimme 10  
and put on some fucking deodorant before I arrive**

_sure, so long as i’m allowed to use the alexis rose method and just grab one off the shelf, use it, and put it back_

**NO  
STEVIE DO NOT DO THAT  
PLEASE TELL ME YOU DIDN’T DO THAT**

_guess you’ll have to get back to the store and find out then huh_

**fuck you**

_best wishes! see you soon!_

______________________________________________________

_the brewers have been successfully deposited back at the motel_

**thank you**

_is patrick okay?_

**yeah  
although he sort of figured out that his parents already knew  
apparently they don’t have Moira Rose-level acting chops **

_does anyone?_

**nope**

_are they leaving town tomorrow?_

**yeah  
we’re getting breakfast in the morning at an ungodly hour  
Brewer-approved but by no means Rose-approved**

_what, so like 9:30?_

**it’s a SUNDAY no one should be out and about that early  
but I can’t exactly veto the time at this point in the relationship, so**

_awwww david, trying to suck up to the in-laws_

**okay that’s enough of that**

_but i only just started!!! i had big plans to neg you all night_

**yup, and it was plenty  
now if you’ll EXCUSE me, I actually have THINGS to do this evening, unlike some people **

_things to do? what, like patrick?_

**okay rude**

_how is it rude if it’s true  
i mean it’s the man’s BIRTHDAY  
and then he successfully came out to his parents? who he loves very much and was once very close with? in the same night?? which you played a large part in? i imagine you two have some PLANS  
i’m honestly surprised that you’re even in a state of mind to text me rn  
what’s the holdup  
did you end up having to lug all the crab cakes home? is that what's delaying the dicking down?_

**that’s enough**

_and yet you denied none of it  
have fun and stay safe, kids!_

**oh my god, fuck off**

_no you_

**goodBYE**


	11. you two are so adorable that it disgusts me (Stevie and Patrick)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Takes place after Life Is A Cabaret 5x14.
> 
> Stevie is _italics_ , Patrick is underlined

Hey, you killed it last night. Congrats!

_thanks  
you too  
but this does not make up for you for not warning me that you were gonna propose_

I said I was sorry! I didn’t realize it was gonna be such a thing!

_you proposed to david rose, of COURSE it was gonna be a big thing_

Oh no, that part I knew.   
I didn’t realize it was gonna be such a big thing for YOU. 

_ugh only you would have the audacity to propose the day before opening smh_

I couldn’t wait any longer! Once the rings came in I couldn’t just keep hiding them, it was killing me.

_you two are so adorable that it disgusts me_

Um… thank you?

_david was trying not to tell me yesterday morning but it was like he was literally going to explode if he didn’t spit it out, it was sickening_

Interesting that you call it sickening, because David told me you cried when he told you.

_okay there was a LOT going on yesterday, patrick  
plus it’s been like a week since i last got a full night of sleep  
honestly i’m shocked you had the time/energy to go on a fucking hike at the peak of hell week??_

Perhaps I was just fueled by the power of love.

_ew, you’re just as revolting as david is_

Have you had to use a thesaurus to come up with so many synonyms for how disturbed by our love you are?

_no, i’ve just spent too much time with mrs rose recently  
she gave me a note at intermission last night that i had to google when she walked away bc i literally didn’t know what it meant  
and then i still didn’t know so i had to ask alexis  
turns out she just wanted me to cheat out more  
cheating out is already a theater term??? that she already made us learn???? why couldn’t she have said that????_

Hey, don’t talk shit about my future mother-in-law.

_you’re insufferable  
don’t come running to me when the roses start driving you crazy and you can’t handle it anymore  
imagine wedding planning with the roses?? good fucking luck dude_

Oh don’t worry, David has already made clear that he has a LOT of wedding opinions.   
Which I mean, I would expect nothing less.

_have you seen the wedding book?_

What?

_oops  
i kinda thought he would’ve at least told you about it by now, even if you hadn’t seen it  
but nvm_

???? You’re gonna have to tell me more than that, Stevie. 

_alright fine  
as we both know, david is not-so-secretly a hopeless romantic_

Yes.

_and so he started this wedding dream book thing when he was like…….. 12  
and kept updating it over the years  
and he still has it_

He still has it??

_when they were being kicked out of their mcmansion he deemed it important enough to BRING WITH HIM  
which is why i assumed you’d at least know about it by now  
but i guess he’s too embarrassed to tell you?? so you didn’t hear it from me_

Aww  
But once again Stevie, there is literally no one else I could’ve heard it from.

_alexis knows about it  
you definitely heard it from her_

Mm-hmm.

_i wonder if he’s been updating it for you  
i totally bet he has_

I wouldn’t want to flatter myself.

_fine, i’ll do it for you. 20 bucks that he started updating the wedding book for you MONTHS ago  
another 20 bucks that he’s gonna be a bridezilla_

I’m not willing to take either of those bets.

_just think! now you’re stuck with dealing with him for the rest of your life!_

Hey, you’re gonna be dealing with him for the rest of your life, too. 

_if he wants to keep me around lmao_

IF?? Stevie, you and I are stuck with David Rose for life. I chose him long before I proposed, and you chose him long before I even knew him. And by some miracle, he chose us back. There are no take-backs.

_it’s too early for sincerity patrick_

It’s 11 am??

_too early_

Too bad. You realize how much he loves you, right? Like, you ARE Schitt’s Creek to him. You made this place more than just tolerable for him.

_good to know i represent the place that he’s been desperate to leave for years_

He told me about asking you to come with him to New York, you know. Back when the Roses thought they were gonna sell the town.

_oh_

Yeah, oh is right.

_i wasn’t sure how much he would’ve wanted to tell you about what happened with…… us_

Well, after… y’know. Rachel. We kind of just laid it all out on the line. 

_and how long did it take david to walk you through all of his relationships? 40 hours? 60?_

Stop deflecting!

_did he tell you about what happened when the-man-who-must-not-be-named came to schitt’s creek?_

Yes.

_but did he tell you ALL of it_

About how he slept with him to get the memory card? Yes. 

_oh wow okay  
didn’t he already know you at that point?   
surprised he was willing to admit that_

I told you Stevie, we laid everything on the line. 

_i know, that’s just surprisingly mature for him  
does he have a ranking on who’s been the best fuck of all the people he’s been with  
do i make top 10  
i would like to say i do but given the quantity of people he’s fucked and the fact that most of our sex was in some way inebriated i feel like that’s just not realistic_

If anyone were to be privy to a such a list, I would think it would be you.

_ugh ur right  
apparently jonathan groff’s skill with his mouth extends well beyond his singing prowess, if you catch my drift_

Literally why are you telling me this?? I don’t want to know!

_what, you don’t want to hear the details about your fiance’s former trysts from your eskimo sister?_

Y’know, I started this conversation to congratulate on a job well done in Cabaret. How did we end up here?

_this is what you get for trying to be sincere  
reminder that if we’re both stuck with david for life, we’re also both stuck with each other for life :))))))))))_

Love you too, Stevie.

_was that sarcastic or sincere? because i can only handle one of those options_

Both.   
Didn’t realize sarcasm had gotten so hard for you to handle?

_oh fuck off  
that’s enough of that, you sincere-ass, sarcastic-ass bitch_

See you tonight, oh dearest Sally Bowles.


	12. i hear they’re opening a new fast fast noodley place in elmdale, wanna try it out?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Takes place during/after The Premiere 6x05.
> 
> David is **bold** , Stevie is _italics_

_has he said anything funny yet_

**someone seems a little too eager to see my fiance make a fool of himself**

_what, and you’re not? he’s too pure, i need some good blackmail for him_

**based on what Marcy has told me about what Patrick was like coming off of laughing gas as a child? no, not looking forward to it at all**

_the things we do for love_

**ugh  
oh shit the mouth nurse lady is bringing me back**

_“mouth nurse lady”_

**fuck off  
oh my god he’s so high**

_send videos, PLZ  
i need them_

**hey steavei  
my teet aregone  
teet  
teetj  
IMG_4359  
okay Patrick stole my phone but I have recovered it**

_yeah, i gathered that  
idk man, i think you should give him your phone back and just see what he does with it, could be fun_

**absolutely not  
okay I gotta go I need both my hands for this**

_YEAH you do_

**?????? you’re the worst**

______________________________________________________

**waiting on the Uber  
Patrick is currently loudly ranking the members of NSYNC**

_okay but are his opinions correct at least_

**his opinions are,,,,,, adequate  
what *was* incorrect, however, was him trying to reference JT’s ramen hair, not being able to remember the word “ramen”, and as a result referring to them as “fast fast noodleys”  
it was maybe the worst thing that’s ever happened to me  
and I once went cave diving with Sandra Bullock’s bratty neice**

_hey david i hear they’re opening a new fast fast noodley place in elmdale, wanna try it out?_

**okay first of all fuck you  
but also yes, I do really want to try that new ramen place, can we do that this weekend please?**

_only if you take thorough notes on everything patrick says in the next hour and send them to me_

🖕🏼

______________________________________________________

**Stevie  
StevieStevieStevie**

_yes?  
what are my patrick updates_

**uhhhhhhh  
I think Patrick wants to have a child  
like, with me**

_why do you think this_

**because he TOLD me as much  
and then conked the fuck out like he hadn’t just given me earth-shattering, panic-inducing information**

_oof_

**do you think I’ll be able to talk him down from this  
if it comes down to it I’d be willing to compromise at a dog  
I’ll even be basic and let him have a golden retriever  
but kids are just,,,,, a big no for me, which he has claimed to be fine with, but clearly unfiltered Patrick isn’t as cool with that as sober Patrick claims to be?????**

_i mean he is quite high david  
and before now he’s never expressed any issue with not having kids to either of us?? it’s probably the meds_

**he literally mentioned having kids in the car on the way to the dentist this morning, Stevie**

_him thinking he wanted kids with rachel is NOT the same as him wanting to have kids with you, and you know it  
he also thought he was straight when he was with rachel, so past patrick clearly cant be trusted all that much_

**I cannot have kids  
I will not  
I can’t**

_i know david  
patrick also knows that  
okay i need to go though, someone needs to check in and your dad is useless bc he is dealing with your mother and sister, who are both losing their minds over this premiere so_

**ugh fine  
I’ll see you tonight**

_take this time to brainstorm dog names!!! i’m going to tell you right now that if you try to name a golden retriever “gucci” or some shit i’ll never forgive you_

**GO DO YOUR JOB, STEVIE**

______________________________________________________

**okay why did you have to put the idea of a dog in Patrick’s head  
he keeps showing me pictures of puppies  
he thinks “Bartholomew” is a cute dog name**

_ur welc!!  
have you come down from your accidental trip yet_

**why do I even talk to you**

😘


	13. ONION RINGS ADN CULTS!!!!!!!!!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Takes place during Moira Rosé 6x07. 
> 
> David is **bold** , Stevie is _italics_

_david  
david sos  
your sister just tried to get me to join a cult_

**omg wjat  
dont tell me she got into sceintology again  
i told her she souldnt get involved with john travolta anywau after the diresepct he showed idina menzel**

_woah there sailor, i see the wine tasting is going well then_

**im not a sailor, but also no!!!!!!!!!!!! these wines all scuk!!!!!!  
id be a rly cute sailor i bet thouhg**

_if the wine sucks how did you end up so plastered then_

**wea re TRYINGto mix them toegther and make it better  
did not work  
all bad  
excspt the radishes maybe, i cant rememebr  
but then partrick came and got me!!!!!!!  
btw he says id make a cute sailor  
he’s right  
he;s usually right but dont tell him i said taht**

_mhmm_

**pinky promise you have to  
he can’t knoe i think hes good**

_david you’re engaged, i think he knows_

**nono but he cant know i think he;s Good  
he’s so good  
also gooooood if you know whar i mean😉💦🍆🥚  
the egg was an axcident he si not a egg**

_ew  
okay if you’re using emojis like that you’re definitely too drunk to remember anything i tell you rn  
so lmk when you’re less drunk and i’ll tell you about the cult_

**wait yeha cult!!!! tell me!!!  
******yeah**

_why is that the only typo you’ve corrected_

**yeha is too close to yeeh*w  
i cannot be misstaken for a cowboy  
it’s not my aesthethic  
patrick wants to know about the cult and he isnt drunk can u tell him  
tell it to me adn i will read it to him  
wait no can we eat!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! that way i wil l be less drunk so you will tell me  
i want oniown rings  
come to the cafe for onoin rings**

_i thought you said the onion rings at the cafe had a “disturbingly unbalanced grease to onion ratio”_

**shhhhhhhhhh dont tell drunk me that  
drunk me doesnt neeed to know**

_ah okay, my sincerest apologies_

**plz tell me plz  
i will let u have one (1) onion rinf**

_so generous_

**fine 2 but thats where i draw the line**

_i accept these terms, i’ll be at the cafe in 20_

**OKAY  
ONION RINGS ADN CULTS!!!!!!!!!**


	14. old you would’ve punched current you in the face

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Takes place after Presidential Suite 6x08.
> 
> David is **bold** , Stevie is _italics_

_so uhhhhhh  
where are things at _

**what?**

_with you and the angry little oompa loompa you created??_

**oh right  
uh  
not sure tbh**

_?????  
david don’t be an idiot_

**no it’s not that!  
I actually had to go handle,,,,,,, a rather urgent situation with Alexis  
so Patrick and I are gonna return to that horrible topic tomorrow**

_are you actually gonna though, or are you just saying you will  
bc historically neither of you has a great record on communication?_

**we will!! we’re working on it!! Patrick literally made us schedule a meeting  
he sent me a calendar invite**

_sexy  
what the hell happened with alexis  
did she try to ascend to the gateway and get flagged at security for carrying too much leave-in conditioner?_

**not exactly?  
um   
she and Ted broke up **

_oh  
oh my god_

**yeah**

_now when you say “they broke up”  
was it like an el hopper “i dump your ass” sort of situation or?_

**more of a “Ted got a full-time job offer in the Galapagos and they both very much love each other but neither of them will let the other give up their life for the other so they called it off” sort of situation**

_christ  
that’s so much worse  
fuck_

**I have never seen her like this  
her ability to keep herself composed is honestly really impressive given her genetics  
like usually when I had to go pick her up at like, the Romanian consulate in Hong Kong or some shit like that she was fine, and I was the one who was fully losing it  
but this is,,,,,, this is bad**

_is there anything i can do to help?_

**tbh not really  
there’s not even much I can do to help right now, other than keeping my damn parents out of the room and helping her put her under-eye patches back on when she literally cries them off**

_god_

**yeah and it’s not easy, these things are not meant to be reapplied**

_well  
i have tomorrow off, but let me know if i need to help with damage control by wrangling your parents   
or if you need me to come into the store or anything_

**thank you  
actually  
I do have a favor to ask**

_what’s up  
oh wow you’ve been typing for awhile there buddy_

**can you check on Patrick?**

_yeah for sure  
why did it take you so long to type that_

**ugh I just  
like I know he meant it when he told me he understood that I needed to come take care of Alexis  
but I also know that he has a tendency to put literally everyone else’s needs before his own  
and obviously he had the forethought to plan a damn meeting about,,,,, today  
but **

_but?_

**I’m worried that he might just end up brushing this off because he decides that what I’m dealing with with my sister is more important than what he’s dealing with about the stupid fucking pictures  
and that’s just  
not fair  
I refuse to let him be so selfless that he hurts himself**

_hey david?_

**what**

_i’m pretty sure that if current you said that to the you that moved to the creek three years ago, old you would’ve punched current you in the face and called him a fucking idiot for not dodging responsibility wherever possible_

**and risk ruining that beautiful, beautiful nose that he did so much swindling and begging and careful wig-combing to get? never**

_fuckin hate you  
i’ll text patrick_

**thank you🖤**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'all want me to write the Stevie / Patrick convo or nah? Hmu, lms, yodel at me from your rooftop


	15. david really can read you like a book huh (Stevie and Patrick)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I got a great many requests to write the Stevie / Patrick conversation and have never felt more validated in my life. As I live to serve, here she is. Hope she doesn’t disappoint.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Takes place after Presidential Suite 6x08.
> 
> Stevie is _italics_ , Patrick is underlined

_hey_

Yes?

_uncharacteristically hostile but okay  
just wanted to see if you’re okay_

I’m sorry.  
There’s just… a lot happening right now.

_i know  
which is why i wanted to make sure you weren’t like, dying of cancer or something_

Oh, I was under the impression that this was more of a mental health check-in than a physical health check-in? But it appears I was mistaken.  
In that case, doc, I have this weird mole on my back…

_alright brewer that’s enough_

Did David put you up to this?

_i resent the implication that i don’t care for my friends of my own volition_

That’s not what I meant.

_i know  
but in defense of your implication david DID put me up to this  
although i refuse to elaborate further and this conversation is now pivoting back to you  
nice try though_

What do you want me to say? I mean, I’m fine. I’m annoyed, but I’m fine. In the grand scheme of things, it’s just a stupid spray tan, it’s water under the bridge.

_watcha gonna talk about at your scheduled meeting tomorrow, then_

Honestly, that was probably overkill. I was just… very orange, and thinking way too much about myself at that moment. There’s not really anything to talk about. 

_david really can read you like a book huh_

And that is supposed to mean…?

_ugh  
you’re allowed to be angry, you know  
and you’re allowed to do something about it  
i mean that in a very much non punching-a-wall shooting-up-a-church kind of way, i mean that in the sense of like  
just because you’re a nice lil non-confrontational canadian boy from the boonies doesn’t mean you can’t… ask for what you need when you’re hurt_

And what is it that I need here, oh Wise One?

_recognition that he fucked up? an apology? a promise to do better?  
look, i love david, but we both know how he can be  
if you spend your entire life together with you just letting him get away with stuff that hurts you, and letting it go, because you think it isn’t important, a) he’s never going to get better, and b) you’re just gonna get it all bottled up and someday you’ll explode and how do you think THAT will go, patrick?_

But if we need an entire meeting to discuss an argument over a stupid spray tan, what does that say about our relationship? What does it say about me if I’m the one who demanded it?

_it means you know where your weaknesses are in the relationship, and you care enough about this partnership to want to work at them.  
that’s what it means, you fuckin dumbass_

This feels stupid. 

_it’s not stupid  
i mean don’t get me wrong, both you and david are both EXTREMELY stupid in your own charming and idiotic ways, but how you’re feeling right now is not stupid, it’s warranted  
so you know what you’re going to do?_

What am I gonna do, Stevie.

_you’re gonna wallow a little tonight, maybe eat some cheetos  
would that be considered cannibalism?_

Ha.

_tough crowd  
but then, you’re gonna wake up in the morning, and you’re gonna go to work, and you are gonna go to your scheduled Feelings Meeting, and you and david are gonna talk about it like adults  
in an unshocking turn of events, david doesn’t want to talk about this any more than you do  
but in a definitely more shocking turn of events, david is trying to be emotionally mature about this and yes he’s a disaster human but he’s TRYING  
and he’s fighting every instinct he has to do so, because he loves you  
and i know you know that  
so you gotta put your big boy pants on and meet him halfway and tell him that no it’s NOT okay that he turned you into an oompa loompa and that he better not pull some shit like that again, but that the two of you are gonna be okay._

I hate it when you’re right.

_don’t we all, patrick, don’t we all  
and then you two can like, close down the store just so you can fuck each others brains out in the back room or do whatever it is you do after you fight_

Stevie!

_oh sorry, close the store so that you can make sweet, passionate love in the back room_

STEVIE!

_just run with me here on this thought exercise, patrick, i’m sure i know more about you and david’s sex life than you think i do_

And that’s supposed to make me feel better????

_if you’d also like to tell me about you and david’s sex life i’d happily be the keeper of both perspectives, for a small fee  
david usually pays me in weed or wine, but i’m willing to negotiate other terms as well_

I think I’ll pass on that one today, Stevie, but thank you.  
I appreciate you, really.  
Is… David okay?

_HermioneGrangerImNotAnOwl.gif_

Fair enough. 

_go eat your cheetos, dweeb_

Out of an abundance of caution, I refuse to participate in any cannibalistic or pseudo-cannibalistic behaviors.  
But on that note, I will take my leave. Night, Stevie. 

_you rly did look like a cheeto lmaoooo_

I said good night, Stevie!!


	16. bitch, at least you’re used to crying

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Takes place during 6x13 Start Spreading the News.
> 
> This one's barely about Patrick, but hey. I'm a sucker for some good David & Stevie friendship content, and in this house, I do what I want. 
> 
> David is **bold** , Stevie is _italics_

**thank you.**

_you’re welcome._

**but you owe me at least two pairs of under-eye patches for this puffy monstrosity I now have to deal with pre-wedding**

_YOU need them? bitch, at least you’re used to crying  
and i had to go straight to work like this, smh_

**I’m used to crying?? and what exactly is that supposed to mean, pray tell???**

_that you, david rose, are a serial crier  
whereas i am a COMPOSED bitch_

**oh please, as if  
you cried when I got engaged**

_do i really need to explain myself again?????? there was a lot going on at that time and you know it!!!!!!!!!_

**what about that time you cried not once, not twice, but THRICE during the Toy Story marathon that Patrick talked us into  
I’ll say it again, you cried THREE (3) times**

_that doesn’t count, i was high_

**pretty sure the high had mostly worn off by the last two**

_toy story 4 turned out to be surprisingly emotional, okay!!!!!!!!!!!_

**uh huh**

_YOU cried at toy story 4_

**yes, but I never contested it when you called me a, quote, “serial crier”  
I took some offense to your implication  
but I did not refute the claim**

_name ONE other time i’ve cried_

**you cried at the Cabaret wrap party  
you cried at Twyla’s birthday party and still won’t tell me why  
you cried when we went to that bakery in Elmdale and they didn’t have red velvet**

_okay i was VERY tired that day_

**what day? all of them? is that always going to be your excuse?  
because I also recall you crying over the aromantic representation in Little Women and you were real hopped up on caffeine going into that movie**

_REPRESENTATION MATTERS, DAVID  
HOW CAN I BE FAULTED FOR FEELING THINGS WHEN I FINALLY SEE MYSELF IN FILM_

**I have also been informed that you cried when my dad had that heart scare**

_WHO TOLD YOU THAT_

**don’t worry about it**

_it was definitely roland_

**it was Roland.  
giving me said intel was the least he could do given that he still calls me Dave on a regular basis**

_i’ll call you dave for the rest of your life if you don’t stop besmirching my reputation with these false claims of tears_

**the rest of MY life, or the rest of YOUR life? because I would rather just kill you than have to experience that**

_oh, the rest of YOUR life. if i die, i will simply return as a ghost and call you dave in an even more bone-chilling way_

**are you threatening to haunt me??**

_i sure am_

**what a nightmare**

_so uh, since you’re texting me i’m going to assume that you’re not at the motel rn? please tell me this is because you’re out buying that house right fucking now and not because you’re running for the hills  
cause been there, done that, you need a new play_

**okay, 1) rude 2) I’ll be back at the motel in a few, I need to change clothes. this is a crying-on-a-car fit, not an evening look**

_that’s not an answer to my question_

**technically your question was about my whereabouts  
the other thing was a statement**

_david.  
there is a heavy implication in your behavior that you plan to stay in the creek but imma need you to be very explicit about what your plans are so that i can stop stressing  
or, alternatively, so that i can start planning to kidnap you and keep you in my basement_

**you live in an apartment?? you don’t have a basement??**

_DAVID._

**what says “surpising your husband by bringing him to your future home that he so thoughtfully looked into buying with you but then thought it wasn’t gonna happen because New York, but fuck New York" more, a sweater by Off-White or one by Givenchy?**

_you think i would know???  
but also, i think patrick would be very pleased with either, given the circumstances.  
as am i.  
sincerity over, one small note: technically he’s not your husband yet_

**oh shut the fuck up**

_i mean, you were the one getting into semantics earlier so_

**shit I’ll need to grab something to blindfold him with**

_kinky_

**are you done?**

_i’ll never be done. one major plus to you two staying in the creek is that i will constantly continue to gather fodder to use to fuck with you, and i look forward to it_

**technically I haven’t told Patrick yet, so don’t tempt me to change my mind before this gets set in stone**

_you would never_

**hate you**

_love you!_


	17. STOP USING EMOJIS {wedding fun pt. 1}

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We have reached the end of series canon, but this fic shall go on, and you know what that means, kids — we’re no longer splitting by ep, we’re now splitting by topic. Why? Because I said so. 
> 
> This particular chapter is Wedding Fun: First Dance Edition. It’s the first of (hopefully) several wedding-related chapters, so buckle tf in, and keep your arms and legs inside the ride at all times. If y'all want me to hit on any particular wedding-related topics, do let me know. I can't promise anything, but I will take suggestions into consideration.
> 
> As ever, David is **bold** , Stevie is _italics_

July 30th, 4:14pm

**SOS Stevie, Patrick has told me he picked a first dance song but WON’T TELL ME WHAT IT IS**

_sux 2 suk_

**that is not the behavior of a good Maid of Honor**

_i never promised to be a good one_

**Stevie this is an emergency  
he refuses to tell me! how are we supposed to get married if I have not okayed the first dance song?? this might be grounds for divorce!**

_keep your pants on  
you’ll like it_

**and how would you know that??**

🤐

**wait STEVIE DO YOU ACTUALLY KNOW WHAT THE SONG IS  
PATRICK TOLD YOU DIDN’T HE  
THAT LITTLE FUCKER**

🤑

**wtf is that supposed to mean  
STEVIE WHAT SONG IS IT**

_i’m not telling you  
all i will say is that you’ll like it  
c’mon dude, it’s PATRICK  
every time he’s surprised you, you went in expecting it to be awful and left wanting to bone, just roll with it this time_

**I hate you so much**

_i know_ 😌 

**STOP USING EMOJIS**

______________________________________________________

Sept 3rd, 10:48pm

_IMG_4896.MOV  
i thought crying during your first dance was tacky?_

**I can’t believe he would pull Ben Platt on me  
I can’t believe you wouldn’t WARN me that that was gonna happen**

_i did promise you you’d like it  
and you did  
so you’re welcome_

**you couldn’t have at least told me it was Ben so that I would stop panicking????**

_would you say that me telling you it was by ben platt would have *eased your mind*?  
but no, no i couldn’t  
the surprise and resulting tears were the whole point_

**oh fuck you**

_stop texting, you’re at your own gd wedding_

**I needed an excuse to avoid a drunken Roland  
it was necessary**

_go dance with your husband!!!!!!_

**if I must**

_saying sassy shit like that doesn’t work when i can see you across the room grinning into your phone at the prospect  
just saying_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Them not showing the first dance in canon means that it can be whatever we want and obviously the answer is that it’s [Ease My Mind](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UCKbw9OJIcg) by Ben Platt. This is now canon, and I will be taking no further questions at this time.


	18. [David Rose named the conversation "Unbalanced Social Dynamic".] {quarantimes part 1}

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reminder that these chapters are no longer chronological, so don’t @ me. Upon considering Dan and Noah's respective quarantine hairs, I simply had to join the horde of writers in the fandom who have written about The Quarantine Curls. 
> 
> David is **bold** , Stevie is _italics_ , Patrick is underlined. This is the first time I've done a groupchat, so uhhhhh I hope the formatting makes sense.

Stevie, please help me convince David to let me post this picture on my Instagram.  
IMG_4934

_awww  
look how gross you two are!!!!!!_

**do not take his side Stevie**

_but i will  
it’s a good pic_

David thinks so, too, and yet he is still refusing to let me post it.

**okay first of all**

[David Rose named the conversation "Unbalanced Social Dynamic".] 

**second of all  
it is INCORRECT to publicly post a picture in which I am laying in my bed! with my husband!**

_it’s not like ur naked david  
unless ur winnie the poohing it but you can’t see that anyway, so_

**ew no Stevie  
and both of you know very well that you are some of the only people who get to see my hair in any remotely disheveled state  
my hair in that picture is insane**

_yeah david that’s the point of the pic  
the point of the pic is that ur both curly-haired messes and it’s sickeningly cute_

**and hair disaster notwithstanding, I hadn’t even done my skincare routine yet! how am I supposed to maintain the outward-facing illusion that this healthy glow is all natural?????**

_does anyone really think it’s natural?_

**fuck off  
can’t believe you two would put me in this predicament**

Well, David, maybe if you had actually let me cut your hair, or you had cut my hair when I asked you to instead of insisting that I keep it long, I wouldn’t have taken that picture and we wouldn’t be in this predicament. 

**but I liiiiiiiiiiike your hair long  
also I am not letting anyone unlicensed anywhere NEAR by head with a sharp object  
I once witnessed Jenna Bush try to cut Doug Robb from Hoobastank’s hair and it did NOT go well**

David pleeeeeease? I just want to show the world how cute me and my husband are.

_and how inSANE both of your quarantine hairs are_

Not sure that’s helping, Stevie. 

**ugh fine you can post it but you can't tag me**

David, literally everyone who follows my Instagram knows who you are. You're tagged in my bio.

**whatever  
at least let me approve the caption**

_wait why is david tagged in ur bio  
what's ur bio_

**uh, go on his account and look at it?**

_no  
im lazy_

**you're insufferable**

It's "This account is 30% frat bro pics, 70% a shrine to my husband @davidrose."

_oh wow that's startlingly accurate tho  
ur like a gay lil frat bro_

**Stevie while I acknowledge that some of his pictures can unfortunately... lean in the direction of frat bro content, I resent your implication that I would marry anyone who he himself actually resembled a frat bro**

_okay fine he's not a frat bro himself but the pics he posts are suuuper aggressively frat broey. like "hey look at this pic of me and my sportsball team" and "hey here's a moody pic of me and my guitar"  
patrick ur insta is like a.... gay film major frat bro instagram_

Not sure how to take that Stevie, but David, please approve the following caption: "The quarantine hair in this house has gotten out of control."

_why are u still doing this in the groupchat you literally are in the same house as each other rn, go say it to each others faces  
in fact i’d put $20 on you being in the same room_

**sorry Stevie, can't, I don't interface with frat bros :/  
but also, approved**

Posting. Thank you for your services, Stevie. 

_i accept payment in cash, check, booze, or weed for this marriage counseling session_

**hey Stevie?**  
🖕🏼

_lmao i assume @rachel_farber is like, rachel rachel?_

Uh yeah, why?

_she just commented “THE RETURN OF THE PBREW CORLS"_

**clearly I’m not the only person you’ve ever been engaged to with good taste in Patrick hairstyles**

_wait is there a third person patrick has been engaged to that i don’t know about_

No!  
And I don’t think that qualifier was strictly necessary, David.

**just saying that if me AND Rachel both like the curls, there’s clearly something to it**

I never said I didn’t like the curls! They’re just unruly and I hate dealing with them. 

**the price you pay for beauty, darling**

_i hope that was a sarcastic “darling”, if you two use that pet name genuinely i will have to cancel both of you_

**I’ve been cancelled plenty of times Stevie, I can handle it**

Guess you’ll never know then, will you Stevie?

_hate you_  
_both of you  
with equal fervor_

**now this is the kind of unbalanced social dynamic I can get behind**


	19. go tend to your poor peeling husband, he’s DYING {wedding fun pt. 2: honeymoon}

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a rough, rough week so here is some fluffy bickering that I wrote while very sleepy. 
> 
> David is **bold** , Stevie is _italics_

Nov 2nd, 3:34pm

**IMG_2983  
look how sunburnt he is. look at what he’s done. I TOLD HIM he needed to reapply sunscreen and he DIDN’T and now I am married to a person who is roughly the color of a crab.**

_omg  
he should know better  
it’s not like him being pale is NEW_

**I have been informed that his sunburns usually go away pretty quickly because they start peeling like the next day. he seems to think this will make me feel better. HE IS GOING TO BE SHEDDING LIKE A SNAKE ON OUR HONEYMOON STEVIE**

_lmaooooooooooo  
but hey, now you can put some sexy aloe on him_

**under no circumstances is an artificially neon green goopy substance “sexy”**

_it comes in clear, too!_

**you are useless**

_go tend to your poor peeling husband, he’s DYING_

**that is literally exactly what Patrick keeps telling me  
wait  
are you texting Patrick rn  
are you two conspiring against me again**

_maybe_

**tell him that he did this to himself  
and to keep his snakeskin away from me**

_tell him yourself, you’re right next to him  
also i believe you made a vow about sickness and health? it’s kind of the whole reason you’re on this trip?  
and i’m pretty sure this falls under that jurisdiction_

**Mariah-suddenly-I-cant-read.gif**

_d- grade for this new husband_

**oh shut the fuck up I literally already put aloe on him  
it was sticky  
did not like it**

_yanno what’s sticky that you WOULD like?_

**ew Stevie stop**

_i was gonna say this peanut butter cookie dough that my cousin’s kid sold me for their youth curling team fundraiser  
get your head out of the gutter_

**oh wait that actually does sound really good  
I’m jealous**

_yeah well you’re the one who’s on the beach rn and i’m the one manning the desk in a motel office with a heater that decided to break on the first properly cold day of the season_

**sucks to be you then!  
but technically I am unfortunately only in the hotel room rn, not the beach**

_then go back out to the beach_

**I can’t, my idiot husband needs shade so as to avoid sun poisoning  
so looking out at the ocean from the comfort of this bed will have to do**

_wow your life is so hard  
cuddling in bed with your husband, looking out at the ocean :/_

**we can’t cuddle, his sKIN IS TOO HOT FROM HIS SUNBURN**

_lollllllll_

______________________________________________________

Nov 6th, 6:17pm

_oh look who needs the aloe NOW_

**that conniving little sneak  
I’ll have you know, the picture that I assume my backstabbing husband sent you makes it look MUCH worse than it actually is  
I am tastefully sunkissed  
there is a *slight* burn that simply adds some dimension and color to my complexion**

_uh huh  
i think i’ll be the judge of that_

**you simply will not**

_oh, so you got someone else to pick you up from the airport on monday??_

**ughhhh**

_thought so  
can’t wait to see the little crab husbands, returned from their trip  
or i guess patrick is shedding like a snake at this point? so the little crab man with his little snake husband_

_**that is simply the most unappealing way anyone has ever described anything  
I’m leaving this conversation now** _

_careful with your little crab pincers on your way out!!!!!!!!! 🦀👨❤️👨🐍_


	20. So there’s this dog. (David and Patrick)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It wasn’t until after I had already written this that I remembered that this fic is supposed to be David/Stevie and Stevie/Patrick texts, not David/Patrick? But honestly fuck it, this is 2020 and there are no rules. The only rule is that Black Lives Matter, here’s some dog-related fluff
> 
> David is **bold** , Patrick is underlined

_April 9th, 1:45pm_

So I just got a text from Ted.

**weird? why?**

Because he had gotten a text from Miguel.

**also weird, also why**

Because his shelter is totally full right now and they need to adopt out a bunch of pets so he asked Ted for advice. And because Ted is the nicest person on the planet, he helped him out.

**okay……………**

So there’s this dog.

**Patrick, NO**

Okay, but bear with me.  
She’s a Goldendoodle. And she’s very cute.

**that is a disgusting name for a dog breed how is this supposed to make me more interested in this proposition**

Because she’s part poodle, she won’t shed on your sweaters! Or your pants! Or your sheets! Or literally anything else!  
And because she’s part golden, she’s super friendly and sweet!

**why would I want a FRIENDLY dog Patrick**

Goldens are VERY loyal. She will love you so much.  
Also, she’s a little over six months old but she’s already housebroken because, and I’m quoting Miguel here, “She has the disposition of an angel.”

**yes but her previous owners still got rid of her for some reason???**

So I actually asked Miguel about that. Turns out they already have two dogs and one of them is very crotchety and did not like having a puppy in the house one bit, so they had to give her up. But! She got along swimmingly with the other dog AND the cat AND the kids, because, and I repeat, “She has the disposition of an angel.”

**Patrick…**

I will walk her every day. You don’t even have to come if you don’t want.  
IMG_3419  
Look at this face.  
Look at her.

**fuck.**

Oh, and David?  
They call her Annie.  
But technically her full name is Anna Mae Bullock.  
Which — and I know you’re well aware of this, but I would simply like to reiterate — is Tina Turner’s birth name.

**…………  
why the fuck would you not LEAD with that**

She’s simply the best, David. She’s better than all the rest.

**is this real  
you’re not fucking with me  
that is the dog’s actual name**

One of the kids of the previous owner is OBSESSED with Tina Turner, apparently. I guess she saw a recording of a live performance of Proud Mary when she was like three and really liked the costumes? And ever since then she has been a Tina superfan, so she insisted on naming the dog after her. Parents wouldn’t let the kid name her Tina because the kid already has an Aunt Tina, haha, so they settled on Anna Mae Bullock.

**never thought I’d say this about a tiny gremlin person, but this child has extremely good taste.**

And I bet that child would feel much better about losing her pet if she knew Annie was going to new owners who appreciate Tina just as much as she does.  
And I mean… look at this face.  
IMG_3420

**Patrick, I hate you so much  
literally so much**

Is that a yes?

**she is NOT allowed on the furniture. or in the store. all dog toys purchased MUST be pre-approved by me.**

Hey David? Have I ever told you how much I love you?

**maybe once or twice, but I’m thinking maybe I need to hear it again?**

I love you. So much. I have never loved anyone as much as I love you.  
Except maybe Annie.

**oh my god you’re insufferable**

______________________________________________________

_Oct 27th, 7:03pm_

**IMG_5982  
one of us misses you and I don’t think it’s her**

What a little traitor she is. I walk her and feed her and play with her EVERY DAY and what am I? Second best.

**okay I also do those things**

Correction: You do those things now. You treated her like an alien for the first month we had her.

**it’s not my fault I had no idea how to act around the little mongrel**

I don’t think she would appreciate being called a mongrel.

**she’s fine, she knows she’s the love of my life**

Oh, and what am I, then?

**second best**

I humbly accept this position, and recognize that I should’ve seen it coming when I brought a dog named after Tina Turner into our home.

**as long as you know where you stand**

Oh, and David? Remember when you told me Annie wouldn’t be allowed on the furniture? You know the couch is furniture, right?

**I needed someone to CUDDLE with and I wasn’t about to lay on the FLOOR, Patrick**

Uh huh.

**if you came back from your conference I wouldn’t have had to resort to this**

Right. And realistically, will she be banished back to the floor once I get back?  
Because dogs can’t really comprehend when things are allowed some times but not other times, and I have a strong inkling that you wouldn’t have the heart to tell her no the next time she thinks it’s okay to climb up on the couch.

**shut up**

Can’t believe I’m bad cop in this relationship.

**if you came home, maybe I could be the bad cop  
if you know what I mean**

David, I’ve only been gone for 12 hours. Keep it in your pants and cuddle the damn dog.

**if I MUST**

😘


	21. I don’t appreciate your tone (David and Patrick)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is this another David/Patrick chapter, despite that not being what this fic is about? Yes. I would like to reiterate that there are no rules here and I will do anything for a spike of serotonin. 
> 
> This short lil baby biddie emerged from deep in the void of my musical-theater loving soul after going down a rabbit hole of watching Alan Cumming perform Willkommen. Hope it still makes sense to any non-MT loving fellows out there despite my references, but if it doesn’t, I only give about 50% of a fuck, because I strongly believe that David and Patrick would both hold a deep appreciation for Moulin Rouge, and I was going to slide that in there at any cost. 
> 
> David is **bold** , Patrick is underlined

**Patrick  
dearest Patrick  
my loving husband  
where the fuck are you  
I’m fucking starving**

Hi hi hi, sorry. Ran into Jocelyn at the cafe and had to try to talk her down from going for Miss Saigon for this year’s SC Players production.

**oh GOD  
the Creek simply does not have the demographics to support that kind of show without everything about it being wildly racist and incorrect  
did she plan on casting Twyla as Kim????  
was her second choice The King and I? maybe The Color Purple? Hairspray?**

Apparently she has a LONG list of options. I asked her to send it to me.

**tell her to not be a coward and do Moulin Rouge**

There is no universe in which we can afford the rights to Moulin Rouge.  
Or, frankly, afford the sets and costumes required to put on Moulin Rouge without it looking like kindergartners did it.

**if anyone could make it work, Patrick, it would be me**

This is true. But I think you mostly just want to rig the system to get me cast as Christian.

**so what if I do?  
the likes of Ewan McGregor, Aaron Tveit, AND you in that role? I might pass out just thinking about it  
now I’m thinking about Nicole Kidman and Karen Olivo, too. be still my beating heart, I need a nice cool glass of water STAT**

Don’t pass out yet, I’m almost home with the food.

**then stop texting me and w a l k f a s t e r**

Would you speak that way to Ewan? Or Aaron?

**absolutely. I’m hungry**

What about Nicole and Karen?

**I would think twice with Nicole, but I would still do it because I’M SO HUNGRY, PATRICK.  
I haven’t eaten in FIVE HOURS**

Oh, wow, five hours. Roughly the standard interval of time between meals. That sounds really hard. If I’d known how long you’d been suffering, I might’ve picked up the pace a bit.

**I don’t appreciate your tone**

But I thought one of the major problems with texting as a format is that it lacks a means to easily convey tone?

**hey. hey Patrick. what’s my tone now.**

Hungry?

**yes  
stop texting me and walk faster**

I can’t, there’s a door in my way. Can you come let me in? It’s imperative that I keep texting my husband so as to give him updates on the arrival of his food, so I can’t really put it down to open this door.

**I fucking hate you**


	22. you married a fucking nerd

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided Stevie’s birthday is in December because… that’s what I decided. 
> 
> David is **bold** , Stevie is _italics_

**what do you know,,,,,,, about pianos**

_david literally why the fuck would i know a single thing about pianos_

**okay, your ignorance is noted  
but  
I need you to do some piano-related reconnaissance for me**

_??????_

**ugh Patrick has mentioned a few times in the past few months that he misses playing piano and his birthday is coming up so I thought I might,,,,,,, remedy that  
but I have to be stealthy about it because I want it to be a surprise**

_so you’re trying to get patrick a piano? a real one? like a grand or a baby grand? or like, a keyboard_

**okay I thought you knew nothing about pianos  
but also, I have no idea, because I know nothing about pianos other than that we used to have a very expensive one that only ever got played by Paul Shaffer  
and Jorge, who Alexis would always beg to play Chopsticks  
which, to be fair, he played a mean Chopsticks**

_why don’t you ask his parents_

**ugh I did, but Marcy said he always played the piano at his aunt’s house or at school or at their church so she doesn’t actually know that much about them**

_ugh fine i’ll prod at rehearsal tonight  
but you owe me_

**I know, I know**

______________________________________________________

_PIANO UPDATE_

**yes hello**

_this is going to be even easier for you than anticipated_

**oh?**

_the fucking idiot already has a piano spreadsheet. all you have to do is hack into his computer._

**literally how  
how is he like this**

_i have no idea  
odds he’s actually been planning on getting a piano for awhile, he just wanted to wait until he had the numbers figured out before he brought it up with you?_

**100%. the odds of that are 100%, Stevie**

_you married a fucking nerd_

**I know what I’ve done**

_i still expect payment for my services though_

**ugh  
I’ll make him learn how to play a bunch of Avril Lavigne for you, will that be payment enough?**

_avril AND paramore._

**why do you torture me in this way**

_excuse you, they are both very talented female singers, you should appreciate them_

**no I do, it’s mostly just giving me flashbacks to my life in the early 2000s and I don’t like it**

_right, and how old were you in the early 2000s? 40? 50?_

**I am TWO YEARS OLDER THAN YOU, STEVIE. TWO**

_two and a half technically  
really closer to three_

**July to December is FIVE months, Stevie, it is closer to two  
thank you for your services, I am LEAVING now**

_kindest regards!_


	23. is patrick wearing your sweater at work?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me: *thinkin about sweaters and cozy things*  
> My brain: Dude it's the middle of summer and you live in southern California what are you doing  
> Me: * c o z i n e s s i n t e n s i f i e s *
> 
> David is **bold** , Stevie is _italics_

_i have a very important question for you_

**okay?**

_so this morning at had to drop something off with ronnie  
and as a result i passed by the store and saw something_

**...okay**

_now, normally i would've stopped and said something, but i was running late and needed to get to the motel  
so unfortunately, i am forced to ask this delicate question over text_

**????????**

_is patrick wearing your sweater at work?_

**Jesus why did you scare me like that, I thought you'd seen something far more scandalous**

_was there something far more scandalous that took place this morning that i missed or...?_

**no!! idk, I thought you were gonna say there was a dead raccoon in my mom's garden or something**

_not that i'm aware of but maybe you should check_

**I will not be doing that  
I will be making Patrick do it  
speaking of, he had a bit of a snafu at the cafe this morning with his tea and some strawberry jam  
it was like a crime scene  
but luckily I am always prepared for a costume change  
less lucky is that the sweater I had on me is the really nice fuzzy one from Off-White that's hand-wash only?  
and I told him I'd cover the store so he could go home and change, but he said, and I quote, "no, this sweater is very comfortable and you may never be getting it back, David"  
so  
I will need help recovering it at a future date**

_aw, little domestic bitches in a love feud over an overpriced sweater that you're way too possessive over❤️❤️❤️  
he just wants to wear it bc he loooooves u_

**okay for your information, I do sometimes allow him to wear my clothes  
they just have to be pre-approved  
but I have great clothes, and I'm making a concerted effort to have my sartorial expertise rub off on him  
which, by the way, I recall you at one point wanting to wear my clothes yourself so**

_and *i* recall strict care instructions for said clothes that i couldn't keep track of, because you're insane  
do you have an nda you make him sign_

**I'm not sure you understand what an NDA is**

_and you do??_

**do you know how many NDAs I've signed in my life, Stevie?  
a lot. so many.**

_okay fine, do you make him sign an affidavit_

**at least that one's in the ballpark**

_david rose  
did you just  
make a sports reference_

**...I didn't mean it**

_just think! if you wore *his* clothes too, maybe even more of his sports knowledge would rub off on you!_

**what makes you think I don't ever wear his clothes**

_um because after the larryair interview you complained for a week about the chafing his button down gave you?_

**button up  
it was a button up  
and I'll have you know, he has this one hockey sweatshirt from high school that is VERY comfortable**

_aw cute, is he gonna give you his letterman jacket next?_

**I don't know what that means**

_you've seen 80s rom coms, i know for a fact you know what that means_

**I really don't**

_the jackets, david  
the sports ones  
that are in the school colors?  
with the leather arms and the sports on the back and the varsity letter on the front_

**oh THOSE  
like the sporty bomber jackets**

_you're a disaster  
yes_

**okay listen it's not my fault that I went to a boarding school that found those jackets to be tacky  
also the only sports we had were polo, golf, lacrosse, and crew, so not exactly a big sports school**

_how do you even know what crew is_

**um excuse ME, I spent a lot of time at the docks watching those boys rehearse their rowing, they were hot as fuck  
wait we also had tennis**

_so all the rich people sports_

**yes  
but also, 50% certain Patrick's sporty bomber jacket is at his parents' house  
100% positive it exists somewhere on this Earth, I've seen the pics**

_u n ur lil jock boyfriend_

*****husband, thanks so much**

_ope sorry can’t talk anymore, i’m busy asking your husband for pics of you in a hockey sweatshirt  
seems important_

**excuse me, I look VERY cute in it  
but also I don’t think a picture of that exists**

_oh, i know patrick  
a picture of that ABSOLUTELY exists  
you probably just don’t know about it  
i get embarrassing pics of you from him all the time  
i keep a folder in my phone_

**I can’t tell if you’re joking or not, but just in case I need to confiscate your phone**

_no thanks!_

**yes thanks**

_simply not happening, david_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Big ups to this fandom for teaching me the word "sartorial". Step ASIDE, Moira, I've got the fancy words today.


	24. merry christmas, dumbass

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Is it July? Yes. Have I been thinking about Christmas nonstop for the past two weeks anyway? Also yes. Perfect time for a chapter that takes place at Christmas.
> 
> David is **bold** , Stevie is _italics_

**hey can you bring me another one of those ginger molasses cookies**

_???? get it yourself?? you're closer to the desserts than i am???_

**okay but Patrick is sleeping on me and I can't get up  
and I can see you over there doing absolutely nothing other than getting toasted and eating cheese**

_he's wine drunk, he'll just fall right back asleep if you move_

**exactly, he's wine drunk  
wine drunk Patrick is cuddly Patrick  
if I wake him up he will not let me go  
so there's no point in trying**

_just bribe him with a cookie_

**he is not as easily swayed by the prospect of food as I am**

_bribe him with sex_

**Stevie  
bring me the damn cookie**

_if i do, will it count as your christmas gift? because i haven't gotten you anything yet_

**no it won't  
also, it's Christmas Eve???? were you just not gonna get me anything???**

_thought i might appeal to the jewish half of you_

**might I remind you that gift-giving is also tradition at Hanukkah**

_given that i played a heavy hand in getting you and patrick together, wouldn't you say that i gave you the gift of love this christmas and every christmas? as well as this hanukkah and every hanukkah?_

**"heavy hand" my ass  
bring me the cookie  
DON’T TAKE A PICTURE OF US  
JUST BRING ME THE COOKIE  
IT’S NOT HARD**

_but this is funner_

**if you don’t bring me a cookie right now I will unleash the wrath of wine drunk cuddly sleepy Patrick on you  
I will force him to latch onto you as I collect my cookie  
and he will never let go**

_that’s a lie, he’ll want you back as soon as you come back_

**are you willing to take that risk?**

_yes._

**alright fine come over here  
all this for the moral high ground of not bringing me a cookie smh**

______________________________________________________

_david  
david come bACK  
this man is like an octopus  
who knew he had this many arms  
this is way too much human contact for a robot like me pls make it stop_

**idk, you’re a very cuddly stoner**

_yeah, when i’m HIGH  
i’m not high rn  
i love your husband but i need you to take him back immediately_

**the terms of engagement indicated no rules as to how quickly I had to return from my cookie-gathering quest  
Ronnie is currently telling a riotous story about when a high school-aged Jocelyn decided to go sledding on a six foot tall snow bank after a particularly rough ice storm  
spoiler alert: it didn’t go well**

_you’ll end up in a snow bank if you don’t come back here and collect your drunk octopus  
DON’T TAKE PICTURES OF ME_

**if you play dirty, it’s only fair that I play dirty back**

_daviiiiiiiiid  
i know you want to come back here and cuddle him because you’re a mushy monster, so just DO it u simp  
set me free_

**alright fine  
but only because Roland has hijacked the conversation and is now talking about all the,,,,,,,activities. he and Jocelyn got up to in high school  
I may never sleep again, the mental images will haunt my dreams**

_oh god is he talking about the Thumbtack Situation_

**yes.**

_abort abort  
save yourself  
by saving me  
two birds, one stone_

**gotta grab one more cookie first though**

______________________________________________________

_IMG_3267  
i took this to make you angry but it’s actually dumb cute this is so upsetting_

**IMG_2381  
you just look so alarmed in the pic I took lmaoooo**

_oh god i look like i’ve seen a ghost_

**the Ghost of Christmas Past, perhaps?**

_wait no that’s my line for you  
dammit_

**Merry Christmas, Stevie.**

_merry christmas, dumbass_  
_see u and ur hungover husband in the morning  
may we all ask santa for minimal hungover patrick grouchiness_

**oh don’t worry I am making him chug so much water**


	25. I… have found a gray hair.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bitch is back. It's me. I'm the bitch. 
> 
> David is **bold** , Stevie is _italics_ , Patrick is underlined

**Stevie. Stevie. SOS.**

_i’m in line at brebner’s rn can it wait a few_

**whatever frozen food and cheap liquor you’re buying cannot possibly be more important than this emergency**

_what’s wrong_

**I have… ugh**

_i’m getting the feeling that this is not a real emergency_

**it is! it is an emergency!  
…  
Stevie come back**

_i had to CHECK OUT, what is wrong_

**I… have found a gray hair.  
On my head. **

_lmaoooooooooooo_

**okay rude  
Patrick cannot know about this**

_bitch? as if patrick doesn’t know everything else about you_

**do you think I could get away with divorcing him without explaining why?**

_absolutely not_

**ugh**

_tbh i’d put 20 bucks on him already having noticed_

**and you would lose that bet, because I have a THOROUGH hair care routine  
and he doesn’t pick through my hair like a monkey**

_that’s what you think  
you don’t know what he does when you’re asleep_

**??????**

_if it’s that upsetting to you david, dye it_

**okay but dyeing your entire head of hair is tacky and almost always goes poorly  
I have some very subtle medium-brunette undertones, which no hair dye can properly replicate**

_then leave it???_

**okay but I cannot be seen looking like Prince Philip**

_then dye….. each gray hair you find….. individually?  
pull them all out until you eventually turn bald?   
make a potion and benjamin button yourself?  
also, why did you go straight to prince philip_

**you are so useless**

_i literally don’t know what to tell you  
patrick will see it and not care  
no one will care  
it’ll just make you look more like your dad i guess_

**I’m not supposed to look like my dad! I’m supposed to look young and spry and fresh-faced and dewey and like the kind of person who never ages! the kind of person who bathes in the fountain of youth!  
I must go full Jennifer Anniston!  
full Rihanna!  
full Beyonce!  
full Paul Rudd!  
full J. Lo!**

_okay i GET IT  
but i will note that jennifer aniston absolutely dies her hair  
and paul rudd totally has gray hair in his beard_

**but he hardly ever HAS a beard, Stevie  
this is the point  
he is more Paul Rudd without the beard than with it, frankly  
and what am I without my signature hair?????**

_hey, at least you know that you’ll probably just turn a stately salt and pepper but keep that big ol rose head of hair  
my cousin austin started balding when he was like 20  
and my great aunt maude literally had to start wearing wigs once she hit 70  
and sure, some people look great bald   
but the two of them were proud owners of the signature misshapen budd head  
so it really wasn’t a good look_

**so what I’m hearing is that YOU’RE going to go bald?  
and that you have a misshapen head**

_luckily, i managed to avoid the misshapen head fate  
baldness tbd  
and you know what? when i’m old and bald, when you refuse to be seen with me because my spotty head doesn’t match your aesthetic, your dear husband patrick will still love me_

**as if you match my aesthetic now??**

_yanno what i’ll just tell patrick about your gray hair myself_

**DO NOT  
DO NOT DO THAT TO ME  
YOU WOULDN’T**

_you and i both know i would_

**ugh fine I’ll tell him  
I hate you sometimes, you know that**

______________________________________________________

Why did I come home to David surprisingly wine drunk on the couch, telling me he has something to tell me but continuously chickening out? Should I be concerned?

_oh he has a gray hair_

THAT is what he got this drunk and freaked me out over?

_would you really expect anything less though?_

Not at all.   
How long do you think he’ll go before finally telling me?

_oh you haven’t told him i told you yet?  
AHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA  
patrick brewer i love you_

He is now talking to Annie to hype himself up. As expected, she is not answering.

_why do i pay for netflix when i get this for free_

I do have to stop now, or else he’ll get suspicious.   
Will keep you updated on how long he goes before either telling me or otherwise figuring out that I already know.

_please do_

Update: 30 minutes.

_honestly, kind of disappointed!!_

If I let him go on for much longer, though, it would’ve been kind of cruel.

_would it though?  
or would it just be entertaining?_

And this is why I am married to him and you are not.

_among other reasons_

Good night, Stevie.

_enjoy your evening with drunk david💃🏻_


	26. yeah well that’s because you’re tacky (David and Patrick)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Haven't updated this in awhile because I may or may not be working on a behemoth of another fic that is eating my life, but you didn't hear it here kids!
> 
> As ever, David is **bold** , Patrick is underlined

**ugh my parents are doing this stupid vow renewal thing at their place in LA and they want us to be there? end of October**   
**we’re gonna have to shuffle our schedules**

Don’t pretend you won’t take any excuse to hang out on the beach in Malibu.

**but like, they’ve BEEN married**   
**like, we get it, you love each other**   
**why do they need to have a SECOND wedding with their CHILDREN present to prove that**   
**if you want to throw a big party just throw a big party??**   
**the whole vow-renewal-white-dress thing is tacky**

I think it’s nice.

**yeah well that’s because you’re tacky**

Aw, David, I love you, too.

**Patrick we are never doing a vow renewal**   
**if you decide you want a second wedding we will get divorced and get remarried**

The romance never dies with you, dear.

**also if you want another wedding I will need at least a year heads up because I simply don’t trust you to plan it**   
**I have some things I’d like a second chance at and I cannot have you interrupting my creative process**

So are we getting divorced before or after your parents’ vow renewal? Just wanting to know if I’ll be expected to show.

**oh you are ABSOLUTELY coming to this tacky shitshow, I will need the moral support**   
**but maybe we can make a scene on the beach afterwards where we get into a fake fight and I threaten to throw my wedding ring into the ocean**   
**all very dramatic, and it could pull focus from the tackiness of the event**

Oh, so glad to hear you’ve put thought into the events leading up to our impending divorce.

**but then when we get remarried we’ll have a beach wedding and it will be very symbolic and everyone will cry**

Of course.    
If they don’t cry we may just have to get divorced again and do a third wedding.

**glad we’re on the same page**

Hey David?

**…**   
**oh you were expecting me to answer before you sent a follow-up text**

I was.   
Hey David?

**ugh hey what**

Guess where I am right now.

**at the divorce place filing for divorce so you don’t have to get dragged along to this vow renewal thing?**

First of all, no.   
Second of all, there is no such thing as a “divorce place”.   
Third, I’m currently at the new Chinese place out by Carol’s studio. Do you want spring rolls?

**I LOVE YOU**   
**I WOULD NEVER THROW MY WEDDING RING INTO THE OCEAN**   
**YES I WANT SPRING ROLLS DON’T EVER DIVORCE ME**

Okay good, because a) I already got the spring rolls, and b) I don’t actually want to get divorced.   
I’ll be home in a half hour-ish. We can talk travel plans for your parents’ vow renewal while we lovingly feed each other spring rolls and renew our own vows of everlasting love.

**well now you’ve made it weird**

Love you.

**hurry homeeeee, I’m hungry**   
**love you**   
**but also I really want those spring rolls now**


	27. I will NOT be Daddy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh hey long time no see
> 
> David is **bold** , Stevie is _italics_

**I got home and my husband was sitting at the piano playing A Thousand Miles by Vanessa Carlton. can I marry him again?**

_can *i* marry him? i wouldn’t be mad at live concerts on the daily_

**no he’s taken**

_can i join your relationship  
make it polyamorous  
but no amorousness from my end bc ew, been there done that_

**huh, I’m aware *we’ve* fucked, but I didn’t realize you’d previously had sex with my husband as well**

_you wish_

**I really don’t**

_i know there’s a word for non-romantic non-sexual partnerships like that but i forget it_

**queerplatonic relationship?**

_THAT’S THE ONE_

**isn’t that kind of what our relationship accidentally is already**

_well sort of, but i want in on the financials_

**I should’ve known there was an ulterior motive here**

_i’ve also heard that patrick makes a killer lasagna and i’d like some_

**he’s making it tomorrow, come over and we can eat it and binge Bachelor in Paradise**

_oh hell yes_

**if you want in on a QPR though, you have to help clean up Annie’s poop  
it’s part of the deal**

_oh so does that mean that if i get pregnant you’ll coparent the kid? how thoughtful, thanks  
you can be daddy and patrick can be papa_

**I will NOT be Daddy**

_so patrick will be daddy?_

**NO ONE WILL BE DADDY  
YOUR BODY, YOUR PROBLEM**

_alright fine, so looks like the qpr is a bust  
you’ll just be uncle david then_

**is this your way of telling me one of your tinder guys knocked you up?????**

_god no  
kids are so sticky and horrible  
we can leave all the kid-having to alexis_

**okay good**

_but like if i DID pop out a lil chonker would you forgive me if i named it gertrude budd_

**no**

_what if i named it chartreuse budd  
margarine budd  
oatmeal raisin bran budd_

**are you quite done**

_yes  
wait no  
doobie budd  
*clicking sounds* budd  
okay done now_

**thank god**

_when i come over tomorrow can patrick play vanessa carlton while we do a drunken singalong  
it’ll be the brewer-rose hybrid piano-karaoke bar_

**is that your song request? the Brewer-Rose hybrid piano-karaoke bar only accepts one (1) request per Stevie per day**

_i guess_

**well that’s too bad, I shouldn’t have made Patrick learn a very dramatic piano version of Sk8er Boi then**

_I WOULD LIKE TO CHANGE MY REQUEST_

**you’ll have to take it up with the boss**

_…is this you finally admitting that patrick wears the pants in your relationship?_

**the boss is Annie**

_actually that checks out, annie is totally the one who wears the pants in your house  
she somehow both rules with an iron paw while simultaneously having both of you wrapped around said paw_

**IMG_2918  
surveying her kingdom👑**

_maybe when i’m over tomorrow i’ll teach her how to join the drunken singalong  
i think what we’re missing is a nice howling harmony_

**Stevie Maureen Budd. if you teach my dog to howl, I will throw you to the curb and eat all the lasagna myself**

_idk seems kinda fun_

**you’re uninvited**


	28. am I supposed to like… bring this child a gift? (David and Patrick)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had two ideas that I wasn’t convinced would be enough for full chapters so I decided to mash them together. They then proceeded to become a giant monster menace chapter that probably SHOULD’VE been two. But like, here we are. 
> 
> Oh, and did I mention Alexis is pregnant? She is, I guess. Idk, I don’t like kids much and I REALLY don’t like baby bellies but I follow the whims of the story and this is where it took me, so. 
> 
> David is **bold** , Patrick is underlined

**YOUR FUCKING DOG ROLLED THROUGH A GIANT PUDDLE OF MUD**

Oh, so she’s MY dog now?

**when the dog who you only convinced me to get because you said she had the “disposition of an angel” goes outside and goes into the vegetable garden that you insisted upon but then fucked up the drainage on, leading to us having a large puddle in our yard when it rains, and said dog proceeds to ROLL IN THAT MUD? yes she’s your dog  
this is your fault**

Well, I’m not gonna be home for another hour or so, so you’re gonna have to deal with my dog being covered in mud.  
Her shampoo is in the cupboard by the laundry tub. 

**I KNOW where her shampoo is  
I’m currently covered in it  
because YOUR dog tried to escape the bath I was giving her**

At least it’s better to be covered in dog shampoo than mud?

**oh no I’m also covered in mud  
she’s made multiple escape attempts**

Sounds pleasant!

**it’s not  
I fear she may make an attempt on my life soon**

If you’re texting, though, I take it you made it out of the bath in one piece?

**yes, she’s now soaking wet and running top speed through the house like she just snorted a truckful of cocaine  
I’m pretty sure she just got my cashmere blanket all wet  
a disaster**

So which sweater of yours did she ruin with the bath?

**oh don’t worry  
I wasn’t wearing my own sweater**

…Which one of MY sweaters did she ruin with the bath?

**the horrible hoodie that was already covered in paint from when we redid the living room  
I seriously considered wearing your god awful green sweater just so I could find an excuse to throw it away but I couldn’t find it, so I had to settle for your ratty trash hoodie**

Aw, David, did you power through putting your least favorite sweatshirt of mine on your temple of a body so that you wouldn’t ruin any my other, not already stained clothing?

**um no, I put it on so that I wouldn’t ruin any of MY clothing, and because I couldn’t find your gross green sweater  
but I do appreciate you referring to my body as a temple  
I don’t know if I agree given the sheer quantity of pastries I’ve put into it in the last 24 hours alone  
but I appreciate it**

I’m just quoting you here! You’ll recall I was so kind as to offer you said ratty trash hoodie the other day when it got too cold out on the porch and you told me that your body was a temple and you’d “rather freeze to death than to wear that monstrosity”. 

**oh so you DON’T think my body is a temple?**

Hey David?

**what**

I love you.

**I tolerate you**

😘

**you didn’t answer my question**

About your body being a temple?

**yes**

I think you already know the answer to that.

**oh do I? can you remind me**

How about this, I’ll remind you when I get home.

**oh yeah? well I’ll have you know, I’m a very tactile learner  
you might really have to walk me through it**

I better hurry home then. 

**you sure better**

______________________________________________________

**holy fuck PATRICK  
ALEXIS WENT INTO LABOR  
AN ENTIRE MONTH EARLY  
OH MY GOD**

[Automated response] Sorry, I’m driving right now. I’ll return your text later. 

**GODDAMMIT PATRICK  
YOU RESPONSIBLE ASS MOTHERFUCKER**

[Automated response] Sorry, I’m driving right now. I’ll return your text later. 

**I kNOW  
I’m calling you**

______________________________________________________

**just got through security  
there was a very annoying old woman in front of me who was carrying 14 loose disposable cameras and packed an entire full size bottle of Pepto Bismol in her carry on  
the CATSA agent told her she couldn’t take it with her and she started screaming about how badly she needed it for her diarrhea  
it was the worst thing I’ve ever experienced**

Poor baby. Do you think you’ll make it to New York alive?

**unclear**

Do it for Eloise. If she someday finds out that you died on your way to meet her for the first time, she’ll be traumatized for life. 

**well, it would be her fault  
she DID show up early and make us have to change our plans  
if all had gone as planned I would have you with me to protect me from the diarrhea Karens of the world, but nooOooOOOO**

You’re such a good uncle already. 

**ugh  
wait am I supposed to like… bring this child a gift?  
what is the protocol for introducing yourself a tiny gremlin person who can't speak or understand any human language**

It might be nice if you got her a stuffed animal or something. 

**and where the fuck would I find one of THOSE**

I’m sure there are some for sale somewhere in the airport. Maybe check that big convenience store by the main concourse?

**buying a convenience store stuffed animal for my niece is TACKY and does NOT make for a good first impression**

Then wait til you’re in New York. 

**ugh  
WAIT  
WAIT I THINK I ACTUALLY FOUND SOMETHING THAT ISN’T OFFENSIVE**

Pray tell.

**this stuffed rabbit is… somewhat tasteful  
IMG_2998  
is this appropriate for a baby?  
will she choke on it?**

It’s significantly larger than her head, David. She’s not going to choke on it. 

**well I don’t know how big her head is!  
is it *too* big, then??? will it suffocate her or something???**

No, no, it’s great.  
She’s pretty small now because she’s a preemie, but the crazy thing about babies is that over time, they grow. 

**ugh, you're so annoying**

Thanks, oh dearest husband of mine.  
And you don’t have to, but maybe get something for Alexis, too. 12 hours of labor does not sound very fun. 

**is she allowed to have alcohol now  
can I bring her booze**

She’ll be able to drink a little, I think, but please don’t get her sloshed. 

**don’t worry, if anyone’s getting sloshed it’ll be me  
okay I think we’re boarding soon so I gotta get over there  
love you**

Love you. Have a safe flight!

______________________________________________________

**landed safely. I immediately acquired a bagel with lox. the bagels in Schitt’s Creek SUCK, Patrick  
I don’t miss much about the city, but I miss the fucking bagels**

Take it up with Ivan. I personally think his bagels are quite good. 

**do you think I could get Ivan to start importing city water to make his bagels**

What????

**the city water is half of what makes NYC bagels so GOOD  
it’s a whole thing, which I would love to explain, but I need to hail a cab, so you’re been spared**

I’m sure I’ll hear about it later. 

**you sure will**

______________________________________________________

**ugh I forgot how tiny NYC hotel rooms are when you’re a plebeian**

Might I remind you that Alexis offered to let you stay at her place?

**and deal with living one room over from a screaming baby for three days? and inevitably be roped into helping to care for said baby? absolutely not  
and I refuse to touch a diaper  
Ellie’s apparently doing well and they’re getting discharged tonight, so I wouldn’t even have a single night alone**

Ooh, Ellie? Are we doing Ellie?

**that’s what Alexis has called her a couple times**

Well, Ellie is clearly a strong independent woman who doesn’t care that she’s a preemie if she’s already ready to head on home.  
Takes after her Uncle David.

**Alexis would take offense to you referring to me as a strong independent woman before her  
also ew, “Uncle David”  
Uncle David sounds like a grumpy middle aged man  
…don’t say a word**

What if I really want to? 

**don’t.**

What’s your ETA @ baby? I want pictures!

**uhhh an hour maybe?  
and I will not be filling up my precious camera roll with baby pictures, so you will receive one (1) picture per day of my stay  
if you want more you’ll have to go straight to the source**

C’mon, David. I’m not gonna be able to meet her for at least another month. Do it for meeeee.  
I also request pictures of you WITH Eloise. 

**hm**

Hm what?

**are you like, sure you don’t want kids? because you seem very excited about this and like maybe I should’ve just sent you and I could’ve stayed to deal with the store because clearly you’re more excited about this uncle thing than I am and you’re probably gonna be better at it too, and what if you meet Eloise and decide you DO want kids after all???**

Okay, David? A few things.  
One: No, you should not have sent me. Alexis is your sister, and she wants you there.  
Two: I may tease, but I know you’re going to be a very good uncle. I promise you will be, because I know you're a good person, and I know you already love her.  
Three: I am very sure I don’t want kids. The great thing about nieces and nephews is that we get to give them back at the end of the day. Alexis and Ted can’t just leave Ellie at home and spend the night at a hotel if they get sick of her screaming at night. But me and you absolutely can.  
Also, as established by Annie’s muddy boondoggle in the garden yesterday, I think a dog is a handful enough for us both. 

**are you sure?**

I’m sure.

**okay fine, I’ll send more pics**

I love you. 

**I maybe perhaps also love you  
and the fact that you're fine with not having kids and willing to reassure me every time I freak out about it  
might actually love that more than I love you**

Lucky for us all, we’re a package deal. 

**good**

______________________________________________________

**heyyy Patrick!!!! this is Alexis (obvs)  
David stole my phone so that I wouldnt send you this video Ted took but THEN I stole his phone right back & had Ted airdop it so here is a video of David meeting Ellie & like, IMMEDIATELY falling in love with her bc hes a big softie🥰💖👶🏼  
IMG_3004.mov**

Alexis, you are a gift.  
Are those tears I see?

**😘😘😘  
oh hes super crying. he thinks hes hiding it well but hes not**

I’d expect nothing less.  
Hope you’re doing well! I’m sad I couldn’t be there.

**ugh Im so sad too, u lil button, but Im doing rly good!!!!! like Ellie kind of cries a lot which my mom says is bc shes a performer at heart but the nurses told me its just cuz shes a baby  
but shes VERY squishy & cute, & Ted is SO good with her❣️😻💕  
I cant wait to bring her home, her room is super cute & I thainskf ldksfj alf2w 39  
ALEXIS IS A MENACE  
DELETE THAT IMMEDIATELY**

Hi, David.  
I will absolutely not be doing that. I’ve already saved it to both my phone and my computer. 

**ugh**

What happened to hating babies, huh David?

**okay, MOST babies are ugly amorphous blobs but it may have been brought to my attention that I am actually RELATED to this baby and that she is going to be in my life and I’m gonna watch her grow up and it might’ve gotten to me just a little  
are you happy now?**

Yes.  
I told you you’d be a good uncle. 

**I also gave her back before she could spit up on me, so I’m hoping this streak continues  
I brought some nice sweaters on this trip and if she gets her baby puke on them I may never forgive her**

You would, though. 

**shut up**

Did you give her the rabbit?

**IMG_3005**

THAT’S THE CUTEST THING I’VE EVER SEEN.

**I tried to move it a little bit to get a more flattering angle for the pic but she has a very firm grip**

A more flattering angle of… the stuffed rabbit? Because I would say that angle of Ellie is very flattering. 

**yes  
it’s the first gift I’ve ever given her, I want all records of it to look nothing less than sublime**

I wouldn’t worry about that too much. No matter the angle, everyone knows you’re a good uncle, and so does she.

**shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh too much sincerity, I’ve already cried once today**

❤️


End file.
